'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize