I have demons in me.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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