Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
