Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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