She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
and you fell through a lawn chair
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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