guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
