is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
