im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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