she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
