I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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