True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
