remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
