it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
