My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Ketchup is God's man juice
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
