I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
no you cant smoke seaweed
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
