Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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