We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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