My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
