remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
