does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
