dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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