Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
