I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
