and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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