I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
