im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
