omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
