Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
