shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
And then he peed in my hair
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