You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize