Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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