I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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