Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
