Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
