just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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