you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
