Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
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