I heard we made out
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
