he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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