you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
