just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
