fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You ate ashes out of my bong
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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