My first STD was from a foam party
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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