Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
