my mouth tastes like poor choices
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Bring me that man meat
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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