got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
