see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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