I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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