My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize