Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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