Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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