Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
