i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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