god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
