Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
