Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
