Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
